THE POWER OF SUGGESTION

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.  Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above The lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."  So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and low and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.  Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday.  So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church

He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks

the crowd --- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A priest, please" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty

years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a

Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's

Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the

Catholic litany.

Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the

dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a

solemn voice:

What was JFK Jr's favorite movie?

-Splash.

Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr to show up?

-He was a complete wreck.

JFK Jr couldn't handle the publicity.

-He just went to pieces.

What was JFK Jr drinking at the time of the crash?

-Ocean Spray.

How did JFK Jr learn how to fly?

-Crash course.

What was the temperature off of Martha's Vineyard after JFK's plane went down?

-Three below.

Why didnt JFK shower before the plane flight?

-He figured he'd just wash up on shore.

What movie was playing on JFK Jr's plane?

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights

Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday

Both were shot in the head

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by Southerners

Both were succeeded by Southerners

Both successors were named Johnson

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939

Both assassins were known by their three names

Both names comprise fifteen letters

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials

HERE'S THE KICKER:

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe Maryland

Rosemary Kennedy, daughter of Joseph and Rose, is institutionalized because of retardation and failed lobotomy. She's now 80 years old.

Joseph P. Kennedy Jr., son of Joseph and Rose, is killed in a plane crash in 1944 during World War II. He was 29.

Kathleen Kennedy, daughter of Joseph and Rose, dies in plane crash in 1948. She was 28.

President John F. Kennedy's son Patrick Bouvier Kennedy is born nearly six weeks premature on August 7, 1963. He dies two days later.

John F. Kennedy, son of Joseph and Rose, is assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963. He was 46.

Edward M. Kennedy, JFK's brother, is critically injured in plane crash; an aide, Edward Moss, is killed. Five years later, he drives a car off a bridge on Massachusetts' Chappaquiddick Island after a party. Aide Mary Jo Kopechne is later found dead in submerged car.

Robert F. Kennedy, JFK's brother, is assassinated in Los Angeles on June 5, 1968. He was 42.

Joseph Kennedy, Robert's son, is involved in a car accident that leaves a female passenger paralyzed for life.

Ed Kennedy's son, Edward Jr., has his right leg amputated because of cancer.

Robert Kennedy's son David dies of a drug overdose in a hotel near family vacation home in Palm Beach, Florida.

Edward Kennedy's son Patrick -- now a congressman -- seeks treatment for cocaine addiction as a teen-ager.

William Kennedy Smith, JFK's nephew, is accused of raping a woman at the family's Palm Beach estate; he is acquitted later that year.

Robert Kennedy's son Michael, who was accused of having an affair with his family's teen-age baby sitter, is killed in a skiing accident at Aspen, Colorado. He was 39.

John F. Kennedy Jr, wife and sister in law crashed with disappearance in a small plane off the Atlantic Coast.

THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS - 90's VERSION

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him. He taught them saying,

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are they that mourn.

Blessed are the merciful.

Blessed are they who thirst for justice.

Blessed are the persecuted.

Blessed are those who suffer.

Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven...

Then Simon Peter said: "Do we have to write this down?"

and Andrew said: "Are we supposed to know this?"

and James said: "Will we be tested on this?"

and Phillip said: "What if we don't know it?"

and Bartholomew said: "Do we have to turn this in?"

and John said: "The other disciples didn't have to learn this?"

and Matthew said: "When do we get out of here?"

and Judas said: "What does this have to do with real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans

ANOTHER ONE FOR THE TEACHERS...

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1.He had only one major publication.
2.It was in Hebrew.
3.It had no references.
4.It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5.Some doubt He wrote it Himself.
6.He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
7.The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8.He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
9.When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10.He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
11.Some say He had His son teach class.
12.He expelled His first two students.
13.His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
14.Although there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.

FOUND IN ACHURCH BULLETIN

CHOIR POSITIONS AVAILABLE!

Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.